Don’t Marry Quarrelsome

“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” – Proverbs 25:24

Let’s start with the disclaimer—this proverb isn’t just advice for men (also 21:19; 27:15-16). It cuts both ways. The book of Proverbs comes in the form of an advice letter from father to son, but just like when the Bible address the “daughters of Jerusalem,” it’s talking to everyone.

Secondly, let’s talk about how bad this really is. A housetop isn’t the penthouse, it’s the roof. If you’re living on a roof, you have given up the main things most people are looking for in a house. You know, things like shelter, furniture, privacy—fairly basic stuff. In this scenario, though, the inconvenience doesn’t stop with the roof. This guy’s entire sphere of domestic bliss consists of one corner of an exposed rooftop. And still… that’s better than marrying someone who’s always picking at you.

Let’s talk about the moral. What’s the wisdom takeaway? This is not some tucked away grounds for divorce. The character trait highlighted can lead to those scenarios, but marriage is in dire straits if the Bible thinks there’s no place for fighting. The target audience here is someone who hasn’t yet married, and the warning isn’t against quarreling—it’s against marrying someone quarrelsome.

Why? First of all, because marriage is important. You’d be happier walking through a sewer with someone you like than trapped on an island resort with someone you can’t stand. Two married people (in case you were wondering) usually live in the same home. A home is supposed to be your safe place, your refuge, the place you unwind. That quickly turns into a nightmare if your spouse starts whipping at you whenever you cross paths.

There’s one incidental takeaway here for Christian circles—as much as we advocate for strong and fruitful families, marrying young, and a “just-go-for-it” attitude, the Bible has space for prudent restraint. Anyone who’s gone through or witnessed a divorce firsthand can tell you that being single is a whole lot better than being married to the wrong person. And having a bunch of kids with that wrong person doesn’t make the situation happier.

Why is habitual fighting such an issue when it comes to a spouse, or a roommate for that matter? Most people who get married are hoping for love in the same way homebuyers are hoping for shelter. But what sort of person would be prone to arguments? Someone who is impatient, irritable, and insists on his or her own way. Sounds a lot like what love isn’t (I Corinthians 13:4-7).

Jesus showed us what love is. Jesus’ love shows up as humility, sacrifice, service, laying down his life. You don’t want a spouse who’s a doormat, but it’s at least a severe yellow flag if the person you’re with is always coming up with a new fight, a new complaint.

A quarrelsome attitude is antithetical to grace. The more you receive grace, the more you extend it. You compromise. You overlook. You forgive. You serve. That’s what Jesus has done for you. Seek to become that sort of person and pray and look for a spouse who will walk that road with you. If you’re already married, strive to be that for your spouse.

What’s the point of waiting?

I had a great conversation with Pastor Mark with Almond Valley CRC about identity formation and my upcoming book. You can listen here.

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