To act phony means something different than being a phony. Being a phony is more of a lie, a brazen forgery. To act phony means you’re doing something that doesn’t feel quite natural. It feels more like play-acting, or code-shifting. You’re not intending to deceive so much as trying to fit in, trying to play up or emphasize a certain side of you that’s real, but not as prevalent as you wish. To be a phony means it’s not situational; it’s your whole life. You’re carrying on an affair. You say something different behind people’s backs. You drive your employees into the ground while you go golfing.
I’m differentiating these terms because it’s crucial if you want to move towards your best self. The reason why we crave authenticity and hate the phonies (to steal from Catcher in the Rye), is because God has made us hungry for him. God is truth.
Here’s the problem: we’re all phonies. We all fail to live up to our own values. We demand one thing from others while not following through on that thing ourselves. We have inconsistencies between our hearts, words, and actions that, if held up to the light, show us to be hypocrites and phonies.
The difference for Christians is that we have a consistent category which explains this inconsistency—sin. The Christian doctrine of sin, ironically, is what allows you to live with integrity—you live as an integral whole, not in self-deceived compartments. When you see and confess your sin, God makes you whole, and you can no longer accurately be called a phony.
In order to become your best authentic self, however, you will have to endure the felt experience of acting phony. Call it whatever you like, but no one suggests that people live with no filter between their desires and their choices. That means that somewhere along the way, you will decide to say, do, or not say or not do things that go against your desires. That doesn’t make you inauthentic. But you will be “acting phony.” It won’t feel natural.
What saves you from being a phony while acting phony is being honest about the gap. You don’t do this all the time, with every person—it would make for a tiring person indeed if someone always went around announcing, “I don’t want to listen to you right now, but I am.” You should, however, at least be honest with yourself.
There are two mistakes on either side of this pursuit. One is pretending that you already are something you’re trying to be. This one often crops up in church, where we know the standard—the imitation of Jesus. There is a subtle but all-important difference between the man who smiles at his enemy, mustering the strength to do what he doesn’t want to, and the man who smiles at his enemy, pretending he’s never thought of him as an enemy. The difference may be indiscernible at first, but it is an authenticity of heart that will show up over time.
The other mistake in a pursuit of authenticity is making no effort at all to do something that feels like a stretch. This one is more often celebrated in our secular world. A teen girl rejects her parents’ authority; a young adult cuts off a relationship with someone who said he was wrong; a politician blasts his opponent with cruel name-calling. All these people will find supporters praising their “authenticity.’ They may be “being real,” but a better authenticity requires the uncomfortable work of self-examination and openness to repentance.
Following Jesus provides a middle path between these errors. You recognize that you have authentic thoughts and desires that you and this world would be better off without. You exert effort to change. At the same time, as a Christian, you recognize without contradiction that you are not yet who you wish to be (Romans 7:15-25). God’s Spirit is making you more of who you are in Him.
Why can’t you just follow your heart?
A couple weeks ago, I had the privilege of talking with Ed Stetzer on Moody Radio, on his podcast Ed Stetzer Live. You can listen here.
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