“He who does violence to his father and chases away his mother is a son who brings shame and reproach.” – Proverbs 19:26
Today’s generational dynamic splits in two bad directions, with a vast but sparsely traveled middle ground.
On the one hand, young adults are taking longer to become adults. 27-year-old Vincent, living in his parents’ home, driving DoorDash when he feels like it, and surfing the web into the wee hours of the morning now has good company. The age of every responsibility benchmark (getting married, having kids, full-time employment, financial independence, living in your own home) has risen substantially in the past generation.
There’s an equally grim narrative, however, that can be told from another angle. Somewhere around 25% of adults are estranged from at least one of their parents. Most people my age (38) and younger expect to finish out their days in a care facility of some sort. None of these realities happen as faceless statistics, or represent unilateral evils. It can be a sweet blessing for adult children to live with their parents. Likewise, care facilities provide game-changing options and resources for aging.
The real question is what does this proverb have in view when it condemns children spurning their parents? Because of all the complexities and sinful dysfunction that can make up parent-child relationships, it will help to think how this would apply to the most extreme case, then work outward from there.
Let’s say you’re a Christian adult who was physically abused by his father and functionally abandoned by his mother. Both these parents remain unrepentant and mired in their own mess. Does this proverb mean you have to hold both of their hands while you all circle the drain? Certainly not. Each child has to weigh his or her own relational barriers and giftings, as well as the shifting circumstances of child and parent.
What is not negotiable is the attitude of your heart. When it comes to your parents, you should cultivate a deep residual well of gratitude, even in the case above. Why? Why does God hold parental respect so highly that it ranks among the ten commandments? It’s because parents, in their role of creating and sustaining new life, serve as powerful reflections of our relationship with God, our Creator-Father.
Whenever you think of your parents, whether biological or adoptive, you should embrace the humbling pang of givenness and dependence. You did not ask to be born. You did not request the gift of life, nor did you have any means of sustaining it for yourself. However poorly someone else did this for you, you are alive and reading this because someone did. That awareness, which dimly reflects your continual dependence on God, will restrain a sort of proud-minded rejection of your parents that acts as if you were born out of the ground or that you earned your meals as a toddler.
This does not mean you cannot evaluate and criticize your parents. It doesn’t even necessitate you staying in touch, depending on your dynamic. But honoring your created existence means that you always maintain an element of gratitude and reverence about your parents because there is something holy about the nature of that relationship.
Too often, young adults (or older ones), when sorting through the joys and hurts of their past, practice what I call radical parental deconstruction. Their parents become villain one, two, and three in their story. Every decision, belief, and emotional posture that person takes is done to counteract, differentiate from, and overcome the failings of their parents.
One of the Messiah’s great promises is that he will “turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers” (Malachi 4:6). He does this as he draws us into the perfect and eternal reality that parent-child relationships point to.
6 comments
Kim Solorzano
A helpful beginning to this topic though I’d love it to be much longer!!
Working in orphan care many years with children abandoned by or removed from parents and family… some who visit, some who don’t, some who expect money time and attention once their children are young adults are all tumultuous waters we tried to counsel the children & young adults through. Very tough.
Mind you this was in Latin America where it’s expected young adult children can live with parents before, even into marriage, and many parents in turn expect to be supported and live with their children and/or many even in the church tell adult children a stipend amount they expect from each and feel slighted when that doesn’t happen.
Seems more millennial friends here in the US too are struggling with what to do as parents age in debt and/or with no clear plan for their end years (some in close healthy relationships and others not… for instance fathers who basically left them and multiple families in younger years feeling remorse in the later yrs though they haven’t repented or restored relationship in a real sense)
And in an opposite sense we’re also stunned to hear from Christian brothers and sisters who don’t even consider taking in their elderly parent they have good relationship with (and funds and extra rooms); the cultural mentality that it’s fine for them to be visited once or twice a year, the lack of biblical evaluation of what’s best as an encouragement to the elder, service required by God in teaching children and grandchildren, and witness to neighbors as we treasure our parents and elders rather than leave them behind as society does except for the holiday visit.
As a kid I remember our church having a ministry to shut ins and meals for the elderly which is rare to hear about anymore.
Anyway, it’s rarely covered in western church sermons, discussions, podcasts, etc. (other than a couple finance or counseling help podcasts on the issue of financially irresponsible or estranged parents)
Would love more on the topic!!
Justin N. Poythress
Thanks for the thoughts, Kim, and for sharing about your experience with Latin American orphan care. Truly fascinating stuff how the family dynamic changes from culture to culture–particularly your detail about churches specifying a stipend amount children should share. These things are more practical Christian life issues where there are not entitlements/ government safety nets. That structure in America has greatly shifted the way we view aging in combination with our individualism.
The Bible gives us principles and concepts about honoring parents and showing gratitude, but there’s a lot left to work out in the context of local Bible-believing churches about how you balance that. Every relationship is different, which is why it’s so valuable the Bible speaks to our hearts.
Dennis Ring
Thanks for this. I am estranged from my daughter, her choice. Deconstruction is a good way to explain this phenomenon. I know several people suffering through this. Radical individualism, and therapeutic culture contribute to this. I pray that the Lord will give me peace and help me to forgive and be open to reconciliation.
Justin N. Poythress
Thanks Dennis. I think one of the unfortunate consequences of our radically individualistic society is that we have less capacity for living in the tension of close relationships with broken and painful people. This shouldn’t mean enmeshment or not setting boundaries, but I feel our tolerance for relational struggle is pretty low before we cut people out entirely.
Bassam Nader
Lack of respect for one’s parents, in general, correlates with lack of respect for and a rebellious attitude towards, authority figures elsewhere, whether employers, law enforcement, governmental authorities, church leaders, …
Justin N. Poythress
Absolutely- I think it’s easy to forget all the implications of the 5th commandment. It’s really about human authority set in place and reflective of God’s authority.